The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
