I wish I could teleport
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
