My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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