I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
