If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
