we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
