The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
