btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
