I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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