And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
