It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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