I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
