Your face is a jimmy john
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
