New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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