Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There r osticjed everywhere
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
