She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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