I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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