I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
my being single is dangerous.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Randomize
