He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
