My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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