She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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