I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
