She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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