I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
