the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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