The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
