I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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