don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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