yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
