My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
