I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
