Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Everclear isn't food dammit
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
