Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize