I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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