At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
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