my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
