Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
