Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize