I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
