Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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