I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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