i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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