There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
