some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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