you mean i was at the winter classic?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I will pee on everything he values.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
