I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
