i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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