toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Michael Bay diarrhea
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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