"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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