It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
