I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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