nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
