Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
