I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
