WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just pee around me
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
