put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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