You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
