I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
