it was like getting a handjob from robocop
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
