My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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